Kevin Rhodes (cormac) wrote,
Kevin Rhodes

On Prayer in Schools

I heard a member of the Fundamentalist movement state the other day not only that an increase in violence is directly tied to a lack of prayer in schools, but also that prayer in schools should be mandatory in order to bring down the level of violence.

I couldn't agree more. The level of violence in this schools will only be brought down by one thing. Prayer. But just a prayer over the loudspeaker isn't enough; we don't want our kids listening to someone else's prayers (after all, the Other Religions(tm) might pitch a fit over equal access, and then we'd have the same problems they had in Congress, where one Hindu priest said a prayer, and all of a sudden every Senator was screaming Hare Krishna and wearing orange robes with stupid haircuts).

No, prayer is a community activity. All students should pray at exactly the same time of day, no matter where they are. It will build a sense of oneness, and it's difficult to kill someone when you pray to the same God; right, Ireland? And to make sure that the students know when they're supposed to pray, there should be a sound that goes over the P.A. system...a bell or something. Come to think of it, why limit to once a day? If you increase it to five times a day, you can get five times the amount of togetherness, and you can use it as a marker between classes.

Now we're getting somewhere, but I still have concerns, particularly for childrens' health. As we know from numerous bumper stickers (God answers knee-mail, etc.) Good Christian Children(tm) can't pray when they're sitting, standing, or lying down. No, they must kneel while they pray. But the floors of most schools are tile or cement, and kneeling five times a day on such hard ground will be horrible for them (but great for doctors). So we need a way to make sure that students don't hurt their knees while praying, wherever they are.

I've got it! We'll make mats for them. Small ones they can roll up and take with them, then lay out when they hear the sound that it's time to pray. And we can have them in patterns from the Holy Land that Jesus might have seen, so that they will be more holy.

Of course, all those mats will take up a lot of room when they're laid out, so we need to have some way of aligning them to maximize floorspace. Perhaps having the students face East when they pray (this will also keep them from facing each other and conversing rather than praying. Can't have that, now). And if they face East, they're facing Washington, D.C., at least from the Godless Left Coast, so we will be paying homage not only to God, but also to God's emissary on Earth, George W. Bush.

I think it can work. After all, it's already happening in other countries, and there's absolutely no violence in those countries at all. Praise God!
Tags: cynicism, did i mention this was satire?, do not take this seriously, joke, not real, sarcasm, satire

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