This entry is divided into two parts. The first is from a previous trip to the beach, and is included here for clarity in the reference later.
Tonight, after midnight, I walked out to the porch. The moon hung some 20 degrees above the horizon. I could feel its draw. I could feel Her caress me. And I wanted to feel more. I stood out on the deck, my arms spread wide. It wasn't enough. I stepped onto the bench. Still, not enough. I removed my shirt, standing there with nothing but a pair of shorts. Still not enough. I quickly went inside, grabbed my shoes and headed down to the shoreline. I removed my shirt and shoes, and walked out into the waves.
Without knowing why, I went in waist-deep, then cupped my hands in the water, bringing them over my head, letting the ocean water cascade through my hands, down my arms and onto my head, continuing over me, through me. I did it once, twice more. At that point I felt a calm, a serenity fall over me. I slowly walked out of the surf, collected my things and headed back to the house. I still don't know why I did it, but I want to do it again. I want to do it every night for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I leave this place in 12 hours. But I shall return. And as soon as I do, I shall walk into the surf once more.
For the past three days, I have gone to the ocean. With the moon overhead, I have walked into the water, cupped my hands as I did on August 30, and lifted them over my head, letting the ocean water cleanse me.
Tonight, I walked deeper. With the sea past my navel and rising, I took the medallion I had on, a sigil of the Round Table, a representation of the sum of my collegiate knowledge, my ethics and principles, my self. I took it in my left hand, and I cast it into the sea with as much force as I could gather. Before the ocean and the moon I divested myself of all preconcieved notions, of all trappings of my previous mindset, of wanting to know, to study, to research this power I was feeling. I gave it to the sea, in trust that all I need to know shall be revealed to me in time.
Jennifer was right. When I let myself go, when I allow Her to guide me, it will be right.
My hands feel like they're grasping flame between them. My entire body is tingling. I've never felt anything remotely like this before. I am renewed. I will continue to record my thoughts and feelings here, lest I forget them.
I think it's unavoidable at this point to say that yes, I am a pagan."